Rode with the Gliders Wednesday morning. We were in a double paceline for part of the ride and I could hear Boss Hogg and the Semi endlessly extolling the virtues of breastfeeding. Boss Hogg's wife recently had a little Baby Hogg who doubtlessly is plotting how to be the lead stroller on future play dates.

Later I was at the front. I was going slow because we were momentarily split up due to traffic. Suddenly Boss Hogg goes flying by me. I'm thinking what in the eff is that son of a seersucker up to now? Well up ahead for all the world to see he had dropped his britches, pulled out his wang and had proceeded to water the grass. In the span of 20 minutes he had gone from sensitive breastfeeding dude to semi-incontinent public urinator.

EPIC commute to work Tuesday morning. I had been thinking about small kid huge backpack (SKHB) and as I glided onto 34th st Boom there he was! He wore a red shirt that said Cornerstone Academy. Of course his backpack was bursting. Cornerstone Academy's website describes their vibe as a "Christ centered classical school." I wish my brother SKHB luck with that. If he were a biblical character I could see him as Job with the lugging of the huge backpack symbolizing his perseverance in the face of extreme suffering.

I started off listening to Michale McDonald but quickly switched over to Joy Division. "24 Hours" is a special song. I think I read somewhere that Peter Hooke said it was his favorite bassline that he ever did.

Down by 34th and 8th ave there was a horrific stench by Littlewood Elementary. It literally smelled like I was standing in a giant armpit full of garbage. I felt sorry for the kids streaming into the school. Maybe it was the smell of their carefree summer days rotting on the vine.

Next I did the unthinkable and rode out in the street between 8th ave and University. There is no bike lane, but I drafted behind a school bus most of the way. I was tucked right behind that mofo living it up in the air resistance free slipstream. I felt like a little kid in one of those bounce house moon walk tents.

Later I went to Bikes and More and talked folding bikes with Paul. Paul pointed out that for once I had walked in and there were not 9 million employees partying there. He confirmed that Lisa is indeed pronounced Leeza. In a move that may come back to haunt him he offered the Cyclist on Fire and me part time positions on the condition that we work Sundays with Chandler.

Tonight V and I rode downtown to the Top and later Karma Cream (where everyday is like survival). We did a rewind of our previous visit and had the sick ass cowboy cookie ice cream sandwich with a bunch of dope toppings.

I adjusted the Sempre seat with the nose tilted slightly up and now my balls ache. In other nut news, I hate it when I'm riding downtown and one of my testicles flops out of my underwear. It's still covered by my shorts but it requires a readjustment. Some underwear is more predisposed to this than others.

Did the Millhopper loop all in the saddle today for some unknown reason. Did a mention the giant dead raccoon that is slowly decomposing in the bike lane on my commute. It is stank.

I knew it would be a tough ride on the Racetrack loop due to the winds caused by Hurricane Irene. The winds were 14 mph from the north. As far as wind goes it is better to have a headwind on the way out and a tailwind on the way back. There is nothing worse than battling a fierce headwind when you're tired from riding the past hour. Well maybe being mauled by wild dogs is worse but it's close.

In the last 8 minutes of the ride my bike seat came loose and I had to ride out of the saddle the rest of the way. Other things of note included watching a semi slam on it's brakes to avoid creaming a car that stopped for a light that was going from yellow to red. I guess the trucker thought he and the car were going to go for it. Anyway the semi tires burned up some and the stench was horrific as billows of smoke came off the tires. Also they are doing road work on 441. The workers had orange cones out blocking off one of the lanes. I wasn't about to share a single lane on 441 with speeding cars so I was dodging and weaving through the cones. One of the workers started hollering at me but whatever I wasn't hurting anything.

Some older dude on a mountain bike witnessed my epic final segment of out of the saddle riding. Afterwards he said it looked impressive. I told him about the seat malfunction. I guess I need to stop picking up my bikes by the seat. The Sempre is so light you wouldn't think it would matter but I guess it takes its toll.

Woke up extra early Thursday so I could do my exercises in the shed and leave the house before all the school zones started cooking. It was dark in the shed and I messed up a little on what I had intended to do, but it was alright . I have to get a light in there.

I did manage to blast off to work on the Sempre around 6:50. The plan was to do my 1 minute interval bug outs before the streets were filled with kids, cars and crossing guards. The school zone lights were flashing but the traffic was scarce. Hard to believe in about 20 minutes things would be nuts. So everything went off fairly well. I pedaled hardcore for these 1 minute spurts, thinking about Boss Hogg and what a giant deutsche bank he is.

I haven't seen Small Kid Huge Backpack since school started. Maybe he graduated from elementary school and is now in middle school and is known as Somewhat Bigger Kid Even Huger Backpack,

Last night (Tuesday) V and I biked downtown to the Top and then over to Palomino for some pool afterwards. My beginners luck from a few weeks ago did not carry over. It was fun but ugly to watch. It took us several turns before either one of us made a successful shot. Later we biked over to the hippie ice cream place. A bunch of college students were there in pajamas. Despite what you might think PJ's are a fairly reasonable form of attire when out eating ice cream after midnight.

Today I did the Glider ride. Boss Hogg really out did himself, mugging at the front of the paceline for about 3/4 of the ride. At least there were some people between us so I didn't have to stare at his big behind the whole time. The ride leader is a guy in his 60's who really can't keep up anymore. Getting old blows.

Fell over on my bike while riding to work today (Monday). A car had a right turn arrow but decided to stop and wave me through. I was caught off guard and lost my balance. One day I'll learn how to clip out of my pedals while I am falling over but today was not that day. I banged my shin and knee cap. Cars should just do what they are supposed to do. Their random acts of kindness make things kind of unpredictable. Of course it was totally my fault. Once I start falling over and I'm clipped in I should hit a button that starts playing that Bruce Springsteen song because I'm Going Down.

In other news earlier in the day I did the Millhopper loop. My performance was lackluster but better than my anemic showing on the Racetrack Loop last Friday.

We brought back the vintage Schwinn bike from V's parents house Sunday. I'm told it is from 1950's. It has 2 gears and you switch between them by kicking back on the pedals. We'll take it to B&M sometime and see if they can work their magic on it.

Tough ride on the Racetrack loop yesterday (Friday). I wasn't able to generate my normal level of effort. I couldn't have powered a night light with the amount of watts my meter said I was putting out. My feet hurt and there was an intermittent stinging emanating from my pee-hole. Kind of like when a little hair or tiny fleck of something gets stuck around it. So that was awesome.

Anyway I soldiered on. I reminisced about this dude I used to work with many years ago in a heart cath lab. His name was Jeff, but I called him Captain Sabotage because he was a walking screw up. The Dr had subscribed to this cable radio service. Captain Sabotage loved singing along but could never get the lyrics right to well known songs. Thus when Credence came on he'd proudly sing, "I wanna know, have you ever seeeen Lorraaiiinne?" Or with Lyrnyrd Skynyrd it'd be "They call me Febreeze, I keep rollin' down the road. Or most ridiculously, "Hey Mister Tangerine Man play a song for me."

You might be tempted to think he was doing it on purpose but if you were around him for about ten minutes you would realize that most assuredly was not the case. He would get upset when I corrected him. We'd be in the middle of a case trying to save some dude's life while I'd be trying to convince him that Febreeze hadn't even been invented when Skynyrd wrote "Call Me the Breeze" or how it would be next to impossible to play a song using a tangerine.

Going down to Orlando this weekend to visit V's parents. We plan on bringing back her vintage 70's Schwinn she rode as a kid and having Bikes and More fix it up.

Today's Glider ride marked the return of Boss Hogg. There was also a dad and his kid who was about 16. The dad apparently used to race but he was mainly there to ease the kid into group riding. We had to stop for some mechanical problems. Nothing really exciting happened. I peeled off a mile or so early because we were riding right by my route to go home.

Later I went by B&M to have the Cortina's kickstand repaired and pick up their new tshirt. Chandler started wandering around saying he was working on it but of course Paul jumped in and took care of business. They appear to have hired an older gentleman as well. At least he was walking around in a Bikes and More shirt with a shop phone in his hand. Based on that criteria I could probably just start interning there and no one would notice. Other Christian was there growing some new beard mustache combo, Paul was bursting at the seams from his Primal fitness work outs, Lisa's arms looked more developed, Brian looked bigger. Their next t-shirt should say, "My bike shop can beat up your bike shop."

I took the day off because my mom is having surgery. While she was in the OR I went over to ride my Millhopper Loop. Remember when I said my next goal should be to bust through the 39 minute barrier? It happened today. I crossed the finish in 38:48. I was expecting bouquets and champagne but there was just a sweaty dude on the corner scratching his ass crack.

After biking to work for so long I had forgotten how much it sucks to get into a car that's been baking in the sun all day. Leaving the surgery center my car was roasting. I have to drive to work tomorrow because I need to go across town later for my annual evaluation. This will be the first time my boss has seen me with a beard and giant afro. Should be fun. My mom viewed my hirsute look this morning for the first time. I guess you're never to old to have your mom disapprove of your appearance. Maybe next I'll get a nose ring.

Last week I noticed that the front tip of my bike seat was really starting to shoe horn my nut sack. The front of the seat was tilted up probably because whenever I pick up the bike I have a bad habit of lifting it from the seat. Anyway I adjusted it and now things are free and easy.

This is going to sound dumb but I had a minor revelation regarding adjusting the diameter of my bike helmet. Even though I'm always wearing various old school head phones and head bands I always adjusted my helmet using the strap only. This led to some awkward fitting situations. Anyway it finally dawned on me, hey I could fiddle with the diameter band adjustment in the back of the helmet. This has opened up whole new frontiers and vistas of comfort and safety.

I realize now that my bike fell over Thursday night because my kickstand is on the verge of falling off. Really it's like when you nearly severe your finger doing yard work and it's just hanging there barely attached squirting blood everywhere. I'll probably take it to B&M soon. I need to check out their new shirts anyway.

Riding the Hawthorne trail with V on Saturday was loco caliente. We were in the noon day sun shaking and baking. You know that bridge area where the ducks sometimes are? We walked out on that deck just to check out what was up. I had never done that before. It was nice, kind of relaxing.

Glider ride today (Wednesday). The ride in general has become boring. The level of effort when not at the front is pretty minimal. Often times I'm generating less watts than my shoot the shit ride with the CoF and it's not like I get to talk about Iron Maiden with the Gliders.

During the ride I did get stung by a bee or something. It just landed on my leg and did its thing. The skin was irritated for about 5 minutes.

I saw this Mondrian style jersey online.
http://www.excelsports.com/image.asp?item=LOOK%20Mondrian%20Jersey.jpg

It was raining on the way home today (Tuesday). I was wearing my rain cape waiting on the corner of 34th and Archer for the light to change. Some young man in an SUV driving by looked at me and said, "You look like a giant yellow dildo."

He said it in a matter of fact manner, not screaming or obnoxious even though it seemed like he was trying to amuse his friends. It was like it was his first time heckling someone from a car and he hadn't quite gotten the hang of it. Of course I could have said something crude such as "Yeah like the kind your boyfriends banged you with last night." In the moment though I was too dumbfounded by the fact that the rain cape has kind of an octopus shape and is really the antithesis of what a dildo looks like. If he had said I looked like a giant yellow douche bag I could almost see how he would come to that conclusion.

Oh and Lizard Lips from the Glider ride came into the pharmacy. He was accompanying a woman picking up a prescription. We didn't acknowledge that we knew each other which was as it should be.

Rode with the CoF on the Hawthorne trail Saturday. That guy's an animal going around 30mph not even clipped in to pedals, riding on thick ass monster truck tires.

Today's (Monday) ride on the Millhopper loop set a new personal record by 9 seconds, averaging 20.4 mph for anyone keeping score. There was a lot of activity in the bike lane. I had to pass an above average number of cyclists and joggers, including this one middle aged lady with a bunch of stomach tattoos who I see out there often. A cop on a motorcycle had pulled over a truck. They were still camped out in the bike lane when I was coming back in the opposite direction.

Let's see, at the bottom of the I-75 hill there was a bread truck pulled over in the lane with a flat tire, a guy on the I-75 overpass partying with a weed whacker, lots of random stuff.

I guess my new Millhopper loop goal should be to bust through the 39 minute barrier.

When I came home I threw all my sweat drenched clothes and gloves on the back deck to dry out. This is an attempt to reduce the overall hamper funk, improve the odor of my gloves and cut down on festering bacteria.

This past weekend I had to rewear a soiled jersey for the Hawthorne trail ride. It had just been hanging out in the hamper. I grabbed the one that stunk the least and went for it. At the end of the H-trail ride I smelled like a homeless bigfoot. I went to Bikes and More right after the ride and felt really bad for them as I became aware of my horrific stench. I guess I'll buy some extra jerseys too.

Set a personal record on the Racetrack loop today (Friday) although honestly I don't know how. I was hung up at 441 intersection coming and going. I felt tired during the second half and my watts were nothing to write home about. The wind must have helped me out or something. Anyway I'll take it.

On the cool down ride back home I saw a little kid blowing leaves off the sidewalk of a big subdivision. There was some lawn vehicle parked nearby like this was his job. I felt bad. I wanted to tell him that in the scheme of the universe blowing leaves and plant debris around is just about the biggest waste of time and energy there is.

Minutes later my phone rang but I couldn't answer it. My phone has gone insane. The touch screen doesn't work and it will randomly call people, open apps type gibberish and refuse to work. Maybe my smart phone has developed technophobia.

Rode with the Gliders this morning (Wednesday). Did I mention this one guy who I call Lizard Lips? He seems like a pretty ok dude, but those freakin lizard lips give me the willies. Got a couple of lectures from another guy during the ride.

Apparently I was going to fast leading at the beginning of the ride even though I was adhering to their 21 mph speed limit. Evidently people need a warm up phase even though everyone biked to the meeting place beforehand. I personally hate long warm ups. I think they are a waste of time and energy. When I ran track and lifted weights I usually just did the barest minimum of warm ups. Just show up and do the shit, that's what I say.

Later I was in front with the same dude in a double paceline. I wanted to ride faster so I kept inching ahead. This is a big no no in group ride etiquette, known as "half-wheeling". Apparently the average rider's mental state is so precarious that having your bike wheel one scintilla in front of theirs in a double pacelinne causes great mental duress.

I knew I was doing it, but I was bored and wanted to go faster. Finally, he pipes up and says we should try to ride with our handle bars side by side. I said nothing.

In the homestretch on Millhopper Rd I pulled fairly hard for about 5 minutes through the hilly section. I was able to successfully reattach to the back of the group of what was now down to 4 other dudes.

I did another one minute pull with about a mile to go before giving up the ghost and getting dropped. I probably should have tried harder to hang on.

Rode the Hawthorne trail Saturday with the Cyclist on Fire for the second weekend after his unintended layoff. He wasted no time deciding to get on the good foot and we blew past a bunch of cyclists and joggers. Later we saw a long snake stretched our across the trail. I looked to see if it was a cobra snake so I could use it for a neck tie but it was just a regular one.

Afterward I stopped by Bikes and More and Brian adjusted my shifters. They are shifting amazingly now. That guy is like the Shaolin master of bikes. I also silently marveled at his beard.

Biking to work this weekend was tiring after biking the trail.

Monday my timing was messed up do to an early morning rain. I had to do my Millhopper loop later and then drive straight in to work in my bike clothes.